THE GOSPELS OF THE GASH - 11.07.11

Greetings from Hell.
Yes, it's been ages since i posted an update, and yes i know many of you are more than frustrated by my lack of communication, especially in regards to overdue orders. i've recently received quite a few messages regarding this, including one this morning which asked, "what is wrong with you?" i hope that the following will explain precisely that.

I have been, as is always the case, struggling to come up for air from the depths of depression for the past six months. that's as frankly as i can say it. several weeks ago, possibly more than a month ago, i announced that i was packing and shipping several orders. with a bit of help, the packing part got done, at least some of it. i was then promised additional help, which never came. then i got sick and tried very hard to make it through the week at work, having to leave after a few hours each day and spending the rest of my time in bed. then i kept planning to get back into packing and shipping, but with each week that passed, i found it more and more difficult to follow through on much of anything. the following week, my mother, who was diagnosed with lymphoma last year, was having some health issues and my attention was focussed on what might come from that. we're still waiting on test results to determine exactly what's going on.

In my last post, i stated that i was fortunate enough to have art to turn to in these moments of despair, but lately i've been up against a wall, creatively, and i have once again found myself thinking about suicide on an almost constant basis, as i was prior to and during the summer months. again, i'm being as frank as i can. each time i have attempted to move forward, i've gotten bogged down in an emotional and mental quagmire. it seems that in spite of my general disdain for humans, i still allow myself to be tricked into thinking certain of them are worthwhile, and end up being disappointed by them over and over.

This past weekend, sparked by an aberrant rush of motivation, i had intended to put all the effort i could into moving ahead with preparing as many orders as possible, however this plan was derailed by — finally — an actual happy event: the birth of my best friend's daughter.

I have already begun packing orders, so i will try to ship as many as i can get out next weekend. following that, i will make efforts toward completing several in-progress releases so that these can also be shipped. by the end of november, i will have posted the last batch of preorders for the year 2011, and by the end of the year, i will be prepared to start working on a shitload of new material that has unfortunately been allowed to fall by the wayside. i need to do this because it's all i have. i managed to make some small progress with some audio work on sunday morning, though it wasn't as far as i'd hoped to get.

To those who have been waiting patiently, and even to those who have been less than patient, i sincerely apologise for the delay. as my disclaimer says, the operations of this endeavour are subject to many pitfalls, and this primarily refers to my lifelong battle with depression. although i have a lot of amazing projects in the works, i find that i generally live life with nothing to which i can look forward. it often becomes necessary for me to retreat inward so that i can protect myself from the real and imagined elements that cause me grief. the circumstances of my life, my job, where i live, and most saliently, the way i am treated by those who profess to care about me, are all far from where i need them to be in order to feel the most remote sense of contentment. there are those who would say, "life is what you make of it," and to those people, i would respond: go fuck yourself.

i wake up every day and wish that i had not. that is my life.


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